Dating Violence

          A violent relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Violence is
             about power and control. When someone uses abuse and violence against you, it is always part of a larger pattern
            to try and control you.

         Even though most people think that violence in relationships happens only between married persons, the same kind of
           violence also happens between people who are dating regardless of their sexual orientation. Even if you are not being
           hurt physically, verbal and emotional abuse are just as painful and often lead to physical violence.
 

Types of Dating Violence
     Emotional Abuse - harms the person's self esteem or causes shame.
                       Examples:
                            --repeated lies, broken promises, withholding affection
                            --jealousy so extreme that it keeps a partner away from friends or interests
                            --insults and put-downs
                           --threats against a person's safety
                           --controlling a person's every move, including how to dress, what to eat, where to go

    Physical Abuse - causes physical pain or injury.
                    Examples:
                          --punching, kicking, or slapping
                          --shaking, pushing or grabbing hard enough to cause discomfort
                          --attacking with a knife, gun or other weapon
                         --any physical act that is unwanted or hurtful - even tickling or hugging if it is unwanted

        Sexual Abuse - is any kind of unwanted sexual advance or contact. It can include everything from unwelcome
                 sexual comments to kissing to intercourse. Forced sexual intercourse between two people who know each other is
                 called "date rape."

Effects of Dating Violence
            Dating violence can range from broken bones and bruised self-esteem to permanent injury and even death. Victims
                may also come to view abuse as a normal part of their relationships. Dating violence can prevent a young person
                from growing and learning from healthy relationships.

           Some of the effects are:
                     --loss of appetite                      --shame
                     --mistrust of self and others      --depression
                    --fear                                        --terror
                    --self-blame  sadness                  --confusion
                    --anxiety                                   --guilt
                    --suicide                                    --death

Your dating relationship is potentially dangerous if you…
                  -- Are afraid of your boyfriend's temper and are careful not to get him angry.
                  -- Feel you are responsible for your boyfriend's feelings and behavior when he mistreats you.
                  -- Have become isolated and have few friends other than your boyfriend.
                  -- Give in easily to his demands because you are afraid to "upset" him.
                  -- Have grown up to expect abusive behavior to be part of your life.
                  -- Are afraid to end the relationship because of his threats of suicide or other violence.

You could become an abusive boyfriend if you…
                 -- Are excessively jealous.
                  -- Blame others for problems.
                  -- Have an explosive temper and make excuses for it.
                  -- Criticize and put down your partner a lot.
                  -- Have a need to control your girlfriend's behavior, decisions or friends.
                  -- Drink heavily or use drugs.
                  -- Break things, throw things at your girlfriend, hit, shove, or kick her when you are angry.
                  -- Were raised in a home in which violence was a way of life.
                  -- Are cruel to animals.

Safety Planning for Victims
          The following information details a plan for increasing personal safety and preparing in advance for the
               possibility for further violence. If  you are not ready to end the relationship, you may wish to create a safety
               plan for when the violent episodes occur. If you are ready to end the relationship, you are encouraged to think
              of a safety plan in preparation for his explosive reaction and/or harassment. The safety plan should be
              individualized to include the characteristics of your situation, taking into account what has and has not been
              effective in the past and what resources are available.

    A. When I feel that my boyfriend is in the tension-building phase of the cycle of violence:
               What are his warning signs? (punching the walls/lockers, driving recklessly, throwing objects, call me names, etc.)
              What steps can I take to keep myself safe?
              What steps have I taken in the past that were effective?
             What steps were ineffective? What can I do differently? (If I try to stop him from becoming violent by
                begging or chasing after him and this only escalated the situation, what might I do instead?)

    B. When my boyfriend becomes abusive:
             What steps can I take to keep myself safe?
            Where can I go to ensure my safety?
            What steps have I taken in the past that were effective?
           What steps were ineffective? What can I do differently?

    C. When I feel that my boyfriend is in the honeymoon phase of the cycle of violence:
            What behaviors does he generally display?
           How can I most effectively respond to these behaviors?
           What warning signs do you recognize when the honeymoon phase is ending?

    D. If I cannot get home, a safe place for me to go is___________________.

    E. If violence starts while I am out with my boyfriend, a safe way for me to get home
         is_____________________.

    F. I can call __________________ in an emergency.

    G. I can tell ___________________ about the violence and request they call the police if they hear
         suspicious noises coming from my house.

    H. I can tell ____________________ about the violence and request that they
         tell________________ at school if they witness any altercations or arguments.

     I. I will use __________________ as my code word with my parents, relatives, school personnel, and
          /or friends so they can call for help.

    J. If the abusive boyfriend comes to my house, I will _____________(inform my parents, call the
          police, call a neighbor, etc.).

     K. If he calls my home, I will __________________ (use the answering machine, have phone
          number changed, obtain unlisted phone number, etc.).

     L. I can also teach some of the strategies to some/all of my friends, parents, relatives, school
          personnel, etc.

      M. When I expect we are going to have an argument, I will try to move to a space that is lowest
           risk, such as _____________________________ (crowded hallway in school, safest room in your
          house, not the kitchen or bathroom where there may be implements/tools that can be used as weapons
          and not in a room that has no access to an outside door).

     N. If I am at a party and he should escalate, I will __________________(call their parents, have
          friend take you home, leave the party, etc.).

(Informarion from "Family Services of Western Pennsylvania"  Handout on Dating Violence)
 
 
 

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